America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
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FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Wikigenius
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay