Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.