It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My dog learned how to text
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.