Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Confused owl: What?!
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.