My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
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HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth