had to make it
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Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Your honor these allegations are
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*