“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Well, this certainly took a turn
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.