[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I feel like one of these would kill a European
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?