Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”