Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Facebook memories be like
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.