Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
saving face 👀
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).