My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
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shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Well, my evening plans are ruined
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Confused owl: What?!
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW