If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
You Might Also Like
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Welcome to the stomach
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?