For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow