I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
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Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I only treason on days ending in y
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Nothing.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT