MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
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Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations