magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
You Might Also Like
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.