5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
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Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Good morning.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Thinking about Jeff
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?