The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
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my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”