The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
You Might Also Like
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
How times have changed.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.