[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
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Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer