Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
San Francisco has too many rules
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover