I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
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When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.