“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
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The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”