It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
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One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.