*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot