ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.