You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.