*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
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At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries