Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Facebook memories be like
work smarter, not harder
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.