[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Friday
I need to update my racial profile.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist