My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
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When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster