They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.