I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
fourth time’s the charm
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.