I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
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just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.