Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
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[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
water it, i dare you
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets