“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
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Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
why am I working on Labor Day
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct