What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
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Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
so this horse walks into a bar
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.