Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
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Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.