*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me too door. Me too.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down