Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
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CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
first you must answer his riddles
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Real House Wines.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought