What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Those are good neighbors.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.