Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
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Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.