[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
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It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
📽️movie date🎞️
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.