this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
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Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
set yourself free xox
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.