[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.