Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
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Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.