Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
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I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Stick it to the man
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”