Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
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[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.