I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.